For the "It's not MY job Award how about this one?  Painting around a fallen tree!

Or for lost Luggage this one takes the award


Or how about guilty looks?

What did this puppy do to cause this look?

A collection of things to make you smile.

When the day gets rough, and you need to relax check out some of the following:

Air_Traffic_Controllers_-_Actual_exchanges_between_pilots_and_control_towers
Fun Stuff _ Videos
A game for adults and children - Geocaching
Things kids and grandparents talk about
Aussie_Humour
Don’t_drink_and_Drive_–_more_Aussie_humour:
Hymn_365
Little Johnnie
How to Stay Young
Menopause Jewellery
Famous Quotes
Some_are_more_Challenged_than_others
Reading and Spelling
Where not to Swim
The_Wheels_of_Life
Are_we_there_yet
All_I_really_need_to_know_I_learned_in_kindergarten

Air Traffic Controllers - Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
*************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

Unkown aircraft: "I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
*************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this......."I've got the little Fokker in sight."
*************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot, and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able."

"If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
*************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern........ we've already notified our caterers."
*************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours, and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,........and I didn't land."
*************************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
*************************************************************************

Fun Stuff videos: 
Caravan jumping the hard way click here

A word of warning - Stay away from these caravan parks perhaps click here and here

How the Dutch (Celebs)drive – Or what NOT to do with your caravan click here
and what NOT to buy to tow your van  click here

Sand dunning with a 4x4 can be dangerous especially when not strapped in click here

This is a taped conversation with a telemarketing person – one way to deal with annoying telemarketers perhaps, but definitely not recommended click here

Becky the small Irish Terrorist click here

A game for Children and Adults to play: this is for 4x4 drivers click here . It is called Geocaching.  The basic idea is it is a high tech version of hide and seek.  People place items all over the place and log the GPS codes. You can download the codes and store them on your GPS.  Each item typically has a log book where you can write up your visit and some have small trinkets that can be exchanged.  A great game for big, and little kids alike.

Things Kids & Grandparents talk about

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*****
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*****
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*****
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*****
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*****
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these things out yourself!"
*****
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbour’s wife."
*****
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
*****
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*****
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
*****
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today. "The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
*****
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
*****
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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Aussie Humour
Two cattle drovers standing in an outback bar one asked, "What are you up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah............and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus........after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

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Dont drink and Drive – more Aussie humour:
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The police officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I'm the designated decoy tonight ".

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Hymn #365
This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.:
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon, with great emphasis he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously, and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River.

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Little Johnnie: Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."  The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" “Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "Thats great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he’d be stuffed if he needed glasses".

Menopause Jewellery 
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day, so he would be able to monitor my moods.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a dirty big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

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How To Stay Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight, and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimers!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourself.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

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Famous Quotes

Famous quotes from people that made bold statements about what was impossible. History is filled with instances where most of society thought something was impossible only to be proven wrong. Usually the people that do the impossible are persecuted and ridiculed. 

We have come to the conclusion that nothing is impossible. And when someone says that "that's impossible", what they are really saying is that they don't know how to do it.   Read the bold prognostications and see if they don't illustrate this point!

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” – Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“This telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union, internal memo, 1876

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” – A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found FedEx.

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” – Harry Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

“I’m just glad it will be Clark Gable falling on his face and not Gary Cooper” – Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With the Wind”

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on its way out.” – Decca Recording Company, rejecting The Beatles, 1962

“Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.” – Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, 1895

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson, President, Chairman and Founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” – Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives on 3–M Post–It notepads 

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” – David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Patent Office, 1899

“So we went to Atari and said, “Hey we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.” And they said, “No”. So then we went to Hewlett Packard and they said, “Hey, we don’t need you; you haven’t even got through college yet.” – Apple Computer Co–Founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in he and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” – Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” – Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Airplanes are interesting toys, but are of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try to find oil? You’re crazy.” – Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

“640k ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, Co–Founder and CEO of Microsoft, 1981 (Oh really!)

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Some are more Challenged than others
Not everyone is a computer GEEK, but some of us are more challenged than others:
This purported to be a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Sadly, the helpdesk employee was fired; allegedly, the employee sued WordPerfect for "Termination without Cause."

Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you."
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble."
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away."
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now."
"Nothing."
"Nothing."
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out."
"How do I tell."
"Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen."
"What's a sea-prompt."
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator."
"What's a monitor."
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on."
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that."
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one."
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is."
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over."
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark."
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not."
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power....A POWER OUTAGE? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in."
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad."
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them."
"Tell them you're too Stupid to own a computer."

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Reading and spelling  Hmm, this is interesting (especially for those who have trouble with spelling).

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Ceehiro!  - Taht'll totuly f*#k the splelchekcer

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Where not to swim: My husband and I used to travel some of the more isolated parts of the North West of WA in order to service fuel meters on airfields and fuel depots. We often detoured to some of the more usual tourist spots. We had been on one of our work runs and had decided to spend a day or so at Millstreem in the Pilbara. It was hot when we arrived and there didn't seem to be anyone around. No other tents/vans/vehicles etc. We set up camp on the riverbank and as the water looked inviting and we were covered in red dust and sweat, we decided to have a swim.
Now my husband was a rather short and rather round man and weighed about 110 kg. He stripped off and dived in first. This was fortunate or unfortunate however you look at it. I was less enthusiastic about diving into the dark water, so I sat on the bank preparing to slide in. For whatever reason Bob decided to come out of the water and sit beside me. He found that he couldn't get out because the bank was undercut at that point by the current. There was nothing to put his feet on. His arms weren't powerful enough to haul his weight out of the water. He tried a few other spots with the same result. It was obviously no use me trying to pull him out.
"It's no use Darl, you'll have to put a rope under my arms and tie it to the vehicle and pull me out." he said. I wasn't too keen but I couldn't think of any other solution that didn't involve swimming around all afternoon trying to find an exit. It was sundown already and would soon be dark.
So I got the rope and had just tied it around him and was about to attach the other end to the towball, when the CALM ranger appeared. He was a burly young man and when he had subdued his hysterical laughter to the occasional snigger, he had no trouble hauling this very embarrassed, naked, fat man out of the river. He probably tells this story himself when the rangers are reminiscing about the stupid things the tourists do.

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish  =  49
Adventurous  =  Slept with everyone
Athletic  =  No tits
Average looking  =  Ugly
Beautiful  =  Pathological liar
Contagious Smile  =  Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure  =  On medication
Feminist  =  Fat
Free spirit  =  Junkie
Friendship first  =  Former very *friendly* person
Fun  =  Annoying
New Age  =  Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded  =  Desperate
Outgoing  =  Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate  =  Sloppy drunk
Professional   =  Bitch
Voluptuous  =  Very Fat
Large frame  =  Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate  =  Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes  =  No
2. No  =  Yes
3. Maybe  =  No
4. We need  =  I want
5. I am sorry  =  you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk  =  you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead  =  you better not
8. Do what you want  =  you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset  =  of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight  =  is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry  =  I am hungry
2. I am sleepy  =  I am sleepy
3. I am tired  =  I am tired
4. Nice dress  =  Nice cleavage!
5. I love you  =  let's have now
6. I am bored  =  Do you want to have?
7. May I have this dance?  =  I'd like to havewith you
8. Can I call you sometime? =  I'd like to havewith you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? =  I'd like to havewith you
10. Can I take you out to dinner?   =  I'd like to havewith you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit  =  I'm gay

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The Wheels of Life

Are we there yet?

All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten: (I think I can relate to these pearls of wisdom)

* Share everything.
* Play fair.
* Don’t hit people.
* Put things back where you found them.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
* Wash your hands before you eat.
* Flush.
* Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
* Live a balanced life — learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
* Take a nap every afternoon.
* When you go out into the world watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
* Be aware of wonder – remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
* Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and the little seed in the styrofoam cup — all die. So do we.
* And remember the ‘Dick and Jane’ books and the first word you learned the biggest word of all — LOOK.

If you have any suggestions for stories etc please email us

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